Entry: stupidity and failure Saturday, April 17, 2004

I keep on making promises to myself and to God and I feel like I keep breaking them. I'm not sure why. Maybe I set the standard too high or maybe I'm just incredibly screwed up. Regardless I feel like crap.

I feel like I'm a failure at those sort of things. I made a promise to start living according to scripture, but I keep failing. I pray about it all the time but it seems like the second I dump myself back into the real world and let my gaurd down even a little, I fail. And maybe I shouldn't be letting my gaurd down at all, but if I don't, I'm on edge all the time, and I don't like being like that either.

I don't know what to do. I know I'm going against the bible by so many of the things I do. I hate the feeling that I'm letting Christ down, and I hate the feeling even more that I enjoy doing it. I always hate myself for all of the sins I commit afterwards (hindsight is 20/20), but while I'm doing them I'm fine with it and often have fun with it, but it's such a bad witness, and I'm not doing anything horrible, but I'm doing enough and I feel awful.

I posted Titus 2:7 on the back of my door as a reminder to myself. It says "Show yourself in all respects a model of good deeds, and in your teaching show integrity, gravity, (8)and sound speech that cannot be censured, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say of us."

Needless tosay, I seem to only remember it about half the time. It's so irritating!
Please pray for me. I need it!


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